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Erin Grace

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

California, Here It Comes...

So, for 3 years this went on (1981-1984). For a while I shuttled back and forth between "K" and "S's" place and my father's, then between their place and my mother's house. The events that led up to me living back with my mother, in about 1982, I will address later in this blog. It's still very difficult to talk about, much less write. It's a piece of the timeline that will have to wait and be out of order.

 I was so torn and confused about everything. I didn't know what to do. "S" was scared of "K" and more physical violence was aimed at her, than at me. I was the sexual object, "S" was more of his mother figure. "K" had me in a place, emotionally, that I can't explain except to say it was like being brainwashed. He was terrifying yet seemed to feel protective and obsessive of me. It's so difficult to explain when you've had no parental attention or affection, then this man comes into your life and gives you all the wrong attention but for me, at that age, it was something. I liked it but I felt so ashamed that I liked the attention. I wasn't ready to let go. I was willing to overlook the craziness because I had that attention. I wasn't ignored and I wasn't told every day that I was going to turn out like someone who was hated. He gave me the most "positive" attention I had ever received (an insane form of "positive" but I was not in a good frame of mind). I felt for him. There were still many times when I actually felt I didn't even like "S". That made me ashamed too. He was dangerous but in my mind, I had to hang on to him. She wanted to turn him in and take away what little I had. I believed we had to stay together. Life was exciting, we would live on the edge, we could do whatever we wanted was so bizarre. I was a kid and a screwed up one at that, what did I know about making rational decisions about anything?

As I said, whenever I was able, I would be with "K" and "S". When there was no school, I was with them. Nights of interrogations, sleeping on the floor in the living room with "K" between myself and "S" and constant talk of marrying me and having two wives. He'd say we'd all move away and live how we wanted to...maybe we'd go to Mexico.

There were more places he'd take me to have sex with me and more drinking. I drank every time I was with "K". I was basically a heavy drinker from 11-14 years old. It helped because life overwhelmed me. I didn't know what to do, so I drowned it all out. I look back at old pictures and I can't believe what that 11 year old was going though. I look for any "signs". Of course, who would have known? It feels as if it's another lifetime ago.

So, it was about 1984 and I was 14 years old. I had a cousin who lived out in L.A. with her boyfriend. She had invited me and my mother to come out and visit. I still cannot believe my mother actually traveled somewhere by plane with me...she actually peeled herself out of bed. Miracles do happen. :) Out to Los Angeles mom and I flew. We stayed with my cousin and her boyfriend. We would stay up talking until all hours of the night. Between the way I talked so casually about some things that "K" did when he was angry and the way I dressed around my cousins' apartment, red flags were raised. My cousin took my mother aside and spoke to her about some of the things I said and what I was wearing (or rather, not wearing) around her apartment.

From then on, it seemed, my mother had a purpose, other than staying in bed all day. She still denied how awful things were with my father, but what went on with "K" seemed to temporarily snap her out of her cocoon. We arrived back in New York and after some grilling by my mother, I began to open up about "K". She called "S" and told her she was getting her out of there.

Of course, there was nothing smooth about the rest of this story either...


  1. Through the years I remember bits and pieces of things you woud share with me. I had no idea how intense this was..You are a strong person to share your past with the world. It will help others who are going through this abuse. I'm so proud of you!


  2. Love you, Don...always my best friend xoxo