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Erin Grace

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

How old is your mother?

It's been a long time coming, trying to accept the fact that while I've had a mother in body, I never really had a mother. The kind who holds you and kisses you as a child, bakes you things, helps you with the grandkids, checks on you even as an adult, is just always there for you. Has your back like no one else in the world.  :*) I know I've written about her being that way in past posts but to actually have a professional verify it, puts a new meaning there that never was before...I knew it all along but there was still that slight doubt in the back of my mind I guess...that doubt that we all have, in certain relationships, that sends us back to things again and again.

Mom has no business caring for children, she's dangerous. When I was having trouble in my marriage and I asked her why she couldn't just be supportive of me and show some kindness, she very clearly told me that she wasn't going to go against my husband. There've been many other instances in my life when she wouldn't be supportive. I guess it never struck me how different that was from other mothers, until recently, when her therapist started working with her and made it very clear that no, this isn't right and the only person she is able to care about, is herself. There's little that can be done, except to try to keep her out of everyone else's hair and make sure she is safe as she gets older. 

 I have been holding so much back for years, towards my mother, for other peoples' sake. I recently started to confront my mother about a few things that happened when I was young and I stopped feeling I would be a bad daughter for being angry with her. I wasn't expecting any apology or acknowlegment of wrongdoing but I guess I didn't expect the childishness, even though I had been dealing with it all of my life. No matter how I word things, she still reacts in the same childish manner and as if she were the victim. She's finally being pushed into a corner and she doesn't like it. I wish she'd just say she doesn't like me, it would make things a lot easier. I think that would give me closure because it's something I've known since I was probably 2 or 3 myself. I'm more like competition to her or a bother to her, I'm not sure which. She never had any expectations of me at all, except maybe to get into trouble. I was just there.

When she's not hanging up on me or throwing a tantrum in defensiveness about how she must be "the worst mother in the world", she takes to publicly wondering aloud how I could remember such things that I went through, not realizing how ridiculous she sounds and not understanding that she's actually outing herself as an abusive mother. She's actually saying, out loud, to certain people, "How can she remember that I tied her in her bed as a child? She was so young to remember that! I was only trying to keep her safe!" As in, "I can't believe she remembers and poor me, how could she say such a thing?" That's her thinking process. She's not someone to feel sorry for, she's manipulative and knows how to seem like the innocent, nice, old woman. She truly doesn't seem to understand how ridiculous she sounds. Her therapist says she's stuck at the mentality of a two-year-old, extremely impulsive, selfish and immature. 

Most years it doesn't bother me too much but for some reason this Mother's Day, it really did. I have never been into getting sappy cards for her because it just never fit, for obvious reasons. This Mother's Day I just didn't want to get her anything at all. I sent her just one card from me on Friday (I try to always send it early and a separate one from the grandkids she hardly knows), so it's probably just getting there today. I called her late on Sunday and left a message. I was glad she didn't answer. I'm just over pretending.

*I know I'm not alone in my relationship with my mother. I see many sons and daughters with narcisstic mothers and fathers...they deserve so much better. You can learn to set boundaries..the world is not all about them and life is more than giving to them and living up to their "standards" and "image".*


  1. Erin, You hit my Mother's day right on the head. It's a painful day for me. I see so many people celebrating their loving mothers and most years I can come up with some reason why I can try to do the same, but this year as well as some years in the past, i was just not able to give a crap.
    GOod for you for not giving your energy to it. I know it goes against your sweet and loving nature, but the strong woman I have been watching you become deserves a break.
    Love you. K

  2. I'm still so amazed how we met. Just the right time. Never a better time. Ever. Never a better person for me to relate to about it, other than maybe my own sister. So bittersweet that this can relate to you too.
    I know others personally that, while I don't speak to them about it, I can see and hear them going through some similar pain. It (narcissism) seems so rampant these days and to have to be more distant and set such strict boundaries, it does go against who I am. I want so much to have everyone as one huge loving family. That's how I am. I hate strife. I'm making headway though. I'm thrilled to have a good friendship with my ex husband now and that really is a wonderful thing for us both. He's a good man and we have a great mutual respect for each other. I don't want my life left with regrets and damaged relationships unless they are truly unhealthy and dangerous. The only ones left in the past now are just not worth it and they need to be left there for good.
    Thank you so much for everything. Love you tons :)Erin