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Erin Grace

Friday, March 16, 2012

Coming To Terms

I've been doing a lot of crying lately, something I try not to do much of at all. I'm afraid if I start, I'll never stop, I'm afraid I'll get stuck in that despair. I realize things will get better but it scares me to feel all of this...I'm going through the breakup of my marriage and most days I really question if it's the right thing. It has brought out a lot of fears in me, that I have never let show before, but I'm done with covering it up. I'm really scared. I'm trying to manage not having support around me. Growing up as I have, I've always had to put on a front of being able to get through, no matter what. My mother tries but she has such trouble emotionally, that she's much like a child. Two of my brothers I have cut off contact with, due to the very abusive and threatening manner with which they have spoken to myself, my mother and my sister. The third brother is schizophrenic and our communication is mostly me writing to him. Due to our age difference, we have never really known each other and when he has spoken to me, it's very distant. I can't tell you how much it has hit me lately, that I so miss not having a close knit, healthy family. One that can work through problems and deep down, really loves each other. I have to mourn it and put it behind me. I have spent so long pretending it doesn't bother me and that I'm okay, when really, I have to stop and face the fact that it hurts so badly that I didn't have parents who could function as such, on even a basic level, consistently.

I am easy to make friends but it's tough for me to be the one to reach out to people...I tend to need someone to pester me. No matter how much people tell me I've helped them, through life coaching, I often feel as if I have nothing to offer. It's that feeling I inherited from my parents, their own feelings of worthlessness that I'm trying so hard to shed. I've become used to giving and not receiving if anything I give is not that worthwhile anyhow. The truth could be right there in front of me and I don't believe it. I realize a lot of that has to with being so betrayed growing up.


  1. You are a beautiful person. I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. You are the strongest of people marching forward like you do. I've read every one of your posts and can only imagine how one would cope let alone rise above it all AND help others AND raise 3 little ones. You rock Erin Grace.

  2. To receive messages such as this one makes ALL of the difference in the world to me. I couldn't hear enough confirmation of what I feel I'm already doing...which is a LOT! There's many times I question whether I'm doing one ever gave me any perspective, so how would I know? When you are winging it with 3 children, as a parent with no reference points, it is very difficult. Add to the mix ending your marriage AND starting a business and it is VERY easy to feel overwhelmed. Of course others have done it but it doesn't take away the self doubt, no matter how much confidence one has (and I have a good amount of confidence in myself and my abilities).

    My bummed state lately is really not so much to do with my past, as it has to do with my marriage. It is VERY difficult to move on, no matter what the reason. Telling my story wouldn't take half as much out of me, if it weren't for the fear of facing the single world again. The kids and I don't have much of any support systems around us, except for their father and he has his limits as to what he can juggle. It IS extremely difficult to manage some days and so easy to get pulled under and say, "That's it, I cant do this."

    If anyone questions what a few words can do, let me tell you, they're HUGE...if they're sincere, please send them my'll make my year =)

    1. I am absolutely sincere. I think reaching out to other parents of your kids' friends could help...they do not need to know any of the heavy stuff --at least not for now til you figure out who can be trusted -- that's just me though (i'm not very trusting!) Just the day-to-day parenting issues everyone experiences can be a common point to start with...maybe start by setting up playdates so you can get to know a few moms one-on-one and eventually build a network of friends and acquaintances. Maybe you already do this (?) I think it can be a positive distraction at the very least and helpful in the long-run building up support.

      It's clear your happiness and confidence aren't dependent upon ANYONE. I know few people who live that way and they all had 'normal' childhoods. Take it day by day. HUGS.

  3. Your life experience is precisely what gives you credibility in helping others. You've lived it. You've survived it. An analyst may understand the effects of psychological trauma in a clinical sense, but one who's experienced it firsthand can relate on a much more personal level. Go ahead and get your technical certification, but you needn't doubt yourself. In my book, you've already earned your Master's in the field.

    You know there are some parallels in our personal lives, so I recognize what you're dealing with at home right now and admire your continued strength through such a difficult transition. Anytime you need me to help keep you grounded, let me know. A friendly voice, a goofy text. Pork chop sandwiches. I've also got hugs to spare. And you KNOW they're genuine.

  4. Hey!
    First I'm saying sorry for your breakup. May restoration and renewal come to your life after this.
    Why do you write that you try not to cry. We are not machines that have buttons "cry" "stop cry". God wants us to pour our heart out to Him and surrender all our moments(dark and light) to Him. He doesn't want us to be fake and walk around with a mask saying were find to Him. He has created us with emotions and wants to engage in our darkest moments just us much as in our happiest moments of life.
    There is a season for everything under the sun. Sometimes there is a season to cry.

    May God bless you and help you through this

    Greetings from Henriette Samuelsen

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I do cry more freely now, it's just the fear of being overwhelmed by it all. I don't talk much about my spiritual life but I definitely have one (that is a post I'm working on for my coaching blog). The one thing I've been trying to convey more clearly is that I am very much okay with who I am, at any point in time. I know I am a work in progress, I try to keep a pace that keeps me sane, yet always learning. I may wander outside certain parameters at times but I really know myself quite well and understand why I may say what I say, do what I do, etc. at a particular time. Again, thank you!